No Drama Discipline: How to Build Your Child's Brain

In a previous blog post, we discussed Dr. Phelan‘s 1-2-3 Magic Method. One of the primary criticisms of this approach came from Dr. Dan Siegel. Dr. Siegel is a renowned psychiatrist, author of the book No Drama Discipline, and professor of clinical psychiatry at UCLA School of Medicine. His critique: time-outs, physical punishments, and threats teach the child nothing. Moreover, they deteriorate the relationship between parent and child. According to Siegel, these two aspects—learning and connection—are crucial for the child.

The parent sits down calmly and empathically with her child.

What is the No Drama Discipline Method?

The No Drama Discipline method is rooted in a profound understanding of how children’s brains function. Neuroscience research reveals that children’s brains are still in the process of developing. In other words, children are not miniature adults! This discovery has far-reaching implications for how we should best interact with our offspring. Unlike many traditional parenting methods, No Drama Discipline doesn’t focus on punishment. Instead, it emphasizes strengthening the emotional bond between parent and child. When this emotional connection is robust, the child naturally listens better. Moreover, it helps the child learn essential skills like empathy and self-control. In summary, discipline is not about punishment but about learning and growing together! Do you now understand why this approach is so promising? Typically, disciplining creates some tension. However, with No Drama Discipline, everything flows much more smoothly. Curious about how it works? Read on!

Core Ideas of the No Drama Discipline Method

The Importance of Connection

One of the key pillars of No Drama Discipline is that emotional connection forms the foundation for effective discipline. When a parent and child share a strong bond, the child listens better and learns faster. Therefore, it’s crucial to first connect before you correct.

Discipline Has Two Goals

According to Dr. Siegel, the dual objectives when intervening with children displaying undesirable behavior are:

Creating Connection: The first goal is to establish a strong emotional bond with the child. This involves showing empathy, listening to their feelings, and understanding their perspective. By creating a connection, the child feels heard and understood.
Guiding and Educating: The second goal is to guide and educate the child. Instead of punishing, the No Drama Discipline method focuses on the child’s learning and growth. The aim is to help them understand why their behavior is undesirable and to offer alternative ways to handle situations. The objective is to impart valuable skills and insights so they can make better choices in the future.

Our Child’s Brain is Still Developing

Another core element is that children are still very much in development. Their brain is literally not yet fully formed. Recognizing this can prevent a lot of frustrations. It’s normal for children to be impulsive and chaotic. Therefore, don’t expect too much from them. It’s not a matter of ‘not wanting to,’ but rather ‘not being able to yet.’

The Three C’s of the Child’s Brain

There are three important things you should know about a child’s brain:

Changing: The brain is mutable. Children’s brains are still very much in development. The thinking ‘upper chamber’ is underdeveloped at birth. So don’t expect a child to always behave like an adult.
Changeable: The brain is plastic. Brains change through experiences. Positive, repeated experiences strengthen connections between brain cells. Therefore, encourage good connections.
Complex: The brain is complex. There’s an emotional ‘lower chamber’ and a thinking ‘upper chamber.’ Activate the upper chamber with discipline, not the lower one. Otherwise, a child reacts purely emotionally.

If you understand these 3 C’s, you can positively ‘build’ the brain. Your expectations align with their age, and you encourage empathy, reflection, and self-regulation.

Neuroplasticity and the left-right brain.

Learning = Integration of Different Brain Areas

Dr. Siegel talks about the concept of integration. This is when different brain areas work together in a good, balanced manner. This deserves some further explanation…

Left and Right Hemispheres: The left hemisphere is associated with logical thinking, language, and analysis. The right hemisphere is more involved with emotions, creativity, and intuition.
Upper and Lower Floors: The upper floor of the brain includes the prefrontal cortex, the area responsible for higher cognitive functions like reasoning, planning, and self-control. The lower floor includes the more primitive parts of the brain involved in basic needs and emotions, such as fight, flight, or freeze.

Integration means that these brain areas work together and communicate, allowing a child to respond both rationally and emotionally to situations. This is something the child achieves through learning.

Dr. Siegel emphasizes the importance of integration:

It helps in developing resilience.
Builds emotional intelligence.
Enhances the ability to effectively handle challenging situations.

Parents can promote integration by connecting with the child and guiding them in understanding and regulating their emotions.

First Connect, Then Teach—Not the Other Way Around!

This is also known as the “connect and redirect” strategy. The emphasis here is on connecting with the child and guiding them towards better behavioral choices.

The emotional parts of a child’s brain are overactive. There is not yet a balance with the other parts that are still in development. Hence, a child sometimes reacts emotionally, impulsively, and irrationally. During a tantrum, a child is not receptive to learning. Therefore, a connection must first be made so that the child can calm down. Only then can they learn.

In Practice?

All of this sounds wonderful, and honestly—it appeals to me too. But it all sounds so abstract, doesn’t it? Fortunately, Dr. Siegel has several handy tips and tricks. However, always keep the main principle in mind: it is important to emotionally connect before you proceed to correct. Listen to your child, show empathy, and help them calm down.

3 Questions

Before taking any action, always ask yourself three questions:

Why did my child act this way? Be curious. What’s behind the behavior? Does this behavior fit the child’s developmental stage?
What lesson do I want to impart now? The goal is not to punish. What skill needs to be strengthened in this situation? Self-control, sharing, taking responsibility, etc.
How do I best convey this lesson? Consider age, development, context. Is the child ready? Can you problem-solve together? Come up with a better response for next time? Help your child think for themselves.

HALT

Proactive action is essential. By that, I mean: know your child and take precautions. Anticipate needs that you know lead to problems for your child (and for you): Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.

The idea is that when a child exhibits “difficult” behavior, it can be useful to first HALT. Is one of these needs unmet? If so, addressing that need (like giving a snack to a hungry child, or encouraging a nap for a tired one) can often help improve the behavior.

No drama discipline: a mother is making connection first by comforting her child.

How to Make Emotional Connection?

Firstly, check if you’re reacting too much from fear or past experiences. Stay in the present moment.

Next, there are 4 steps to connect:

Communicate Comfort Non-Verbally: For example, with a hug or a calm, open posture.
Validate Feelings: Name them and show that you understand. Describe what you see: “I see that you’re angry.”
Listen Attentively: Without immediately correcting.
Reflect What You’ve Heard: Repeat in your own words what the child told you. This way, the child knows you’ve understood.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t set boundaries. You can show empathy and clearly set the limit. “I understand you’re angry. Let’s talk about it.” This way, a child learns to reflect and function.

1-2-3 Discipline

Once your child has calmed down, you can guide them using the 1-2-3 method:

Remember the Definition: Discipline equals teaching. The goal is not to punish but to teach. Keep this in mind while correcting.
Follow Two Principles:
- Wait Until the Child Is Ready: If a child is still emotional, the message won’t get through. Wait until they have calmed down and are receptive.
- Be Consistent, but Not Rigid: Children need clarity, but too much rigidity doesn’t work. Stay flexible and consider the context and intentions.
Focus on Three Outcomes:
- Help Your Child Understand Their Role: Assist your child in reflecting on their own behavior and the feelings and motivations behind it.
- Teach Empathy for Others: Have your child think about how their behavior affected others. How did they feel?
- Help Restore Relationships After a Mistake: Encourage your child to think about how they can mend the relationship, perhaps by offering an apology.

By doing this, you build social-emotional skills and teach the child to look ahead. By focusing not just on behavior but also on insight, empathy, and recovery, you develop your child’s thinking brain and skills.

R-E-D-I-R-E-C-T

This acronym stands for: R – Reduce words, E – Embrace emotions, D – Describe, don’t preach, I – Involve your child in discipline, R – Reframe “no” into “yes, if…”, E – Emphasize the positive, C – Creatively approach the situation, T – Teach “mindsight” tools.

Be Brief and Direct: Long sermons and arguments don’t work. Get straight to the point in as few words as possible.
Embrace Emotions, Guide Behavior: Let your child know that all feelings are allowed, but correct undesirable behavior. Say ‘yes’ to the emotion, ‘no’ to the behavior.
Describe, Don’t Preach: State neutrally what is happening, without judgment. For example, “I see that you’re angry.” This invites conversation.
Involve Your Child in the Solution: Let your child think about the solution instead of imposing it. This teaches them to reflect and take responsibility.
Use ‘Yes, If…’ Instead of a Simple ‘No’: A conditional ‘yes’ is easier to accept than a blunt ‘no’. For example, “Yes, you can use the iPad if your room is clean.”
Highlight the Positive: Don’t just focus on mistakes, but also on what’s going well. This way, your child knows what you like to see.
Be Creative: Humor and play can break patterns. It takes energy but often prevents a lot of struggle.
Teach Your Child to Use Their Brain: Teach your child techniques to manage emotions and thoughts, for example, by visualizing or naming them.
Guide Positively and Build Skills: This way, you guide in a positive manner while simultaneously building skills.

But Does It Work?

The method is based on scientific insights into the functioning of a child’s brain. However, there have yet to be large-scale studies specifically focused on the outcomes of this approach.

There are, however, studies that support the theoretical foundation of the method:

Studies show that a positive parent-child relationship correlates with better listening behavior in children and fewer behavioral problems (e.g., Ewing & Taylor, 2009; Gerdes et al., 2007).
Research indicates that responsiveness, a secure attachment relationship, and positive parental involvement promote the development of emotion regulation and self-control in children (e.g., Bernier et al., 2010; Feldman et al., 1999).
Neuroimaging studies reveal that sensitive and responsive parenting has beneficial effects on the development of emotional regulation systems in children’s brains (e.g., Whittle et al., 2009).
Research on “inductive discipline” (explaining instead of punishing) and “positive parenting” (connecting, supporting) shows positive results for child behavior (e.g., Krevans & Gibbs, 1996).

While more research is needed, these studies provide indirect evidence that the No Drama Discipline approach could potentially be effective.

Conclusion

In summary, with knowledge about the child’s brain, drama in parenting can be avoided. By first emotionally connecting, you activate the thinking ‘upper chamber’ of the brain. Then you can positively steer to develop both the behavior and skills of a child. This fosters a strong brain capable of reflection, showing empathy, and repairing relationships. It optimally prepares the child for a happy life!

The most crucial tip is: first make a connection, validate emotions, and help your child calm down. Only then can you positively steer and teach something. In this way, you avoid drama and build the brain.

I realize that this method is much more complex than the 123-Magic method. I can imagine that for some parents, this method is too complicated to implement in practice. It also assumes that you, as a parent, possess a great deal of self-control.

The No Drama Discipline does offer some very valuable insights. To make implementation a bit easier, I have created some worksheets that you can download.